Dr David, Editor / Publisher

My father and I were very close, as much as he would allow. Towards the end, when he needed money and I had it, I gave it to him; first my signature on the new mortgage for the house, then cash money. I also invested $35,000 dollars renovating the third floor of the house, his house, to make a living space for myself and my daughter.

One day, when he was already in decline, I believe it was after his first stroke, I said to him, "No one is going to understand our finances. Give me the house." (That's how we spoke to each other, concisely.) He agreed and put the house in my name. True to my prediction, no one, which is to say my not sister nor my brother, understood. But that is another story.

I had a dream the a week ago. In it my father and I were sitting together in his kitchen, concerned about money. We needed some. We noted that my mother was driving around in a Lincoln Continental Towncar. We decided that we would sell that luxury vehicle and buy another, more affordable car and use the balance to implement our strategy going forward, which, of course, included Mom.

The dream changes venue. In this second part I am sitting as a front seat passenger in the aforementioned Lincoln Towncar while my mother drives. It is a major suburban street, in our hometown. Trashcans are at the curb. Along side one of these is a perfectly good garden hose and showerhead garden watering attachment. I observe, "That's the difference between Mexico and the United States; in Mexico no one throws away things of value."

At that moment the car suddenly leaves the road rapidly crosses the sidewalk and continues without loosing speed across the front lawns of the houses. I call out, "Mom!" and turn to see her passed out across the steering-wheel. I look towards the brake, I look towards the gear shift. There are only moments before we hit something. The dream ends.

Well, you don't have to be Sigmund Freud to interpret that dream. The dream doesn't really need any interpretation at all. It's all spelled out. My mother is in possession of the thing of value which is needed to keep moving forward. Then, asleep at the wheel the thing of value is in danger as are my mother and I.

I woke up feeling transformed. A weight had been lifted. It was a new morning, a new day.

My mother might have loved us in her own way, but her own way was woefully inadequate. I have spent the best part of my adult life trying to have relationships with women who were emotionally unavailable, trying to make right what was so wrong with my relationship with Mom.

I was what Dad would call "girl crazy." Many's the time when I should have said, "You can't treat me this way" and left. That would have been honest feedback to whatever girlfriend it was. Maybe she would have risen to the occasion, maybe not. As it was, I figured that if there was a problem in the relationship I had to try to fix it, however Herculean the task, the more impossible, the better.

I gave women a lot of power. I was addicted. I was looking to fill the hole that should have been my relationship with Mom. Sometimes I came close, at least for a while, but it always drained away, quickly.

This week has been transformative. As the dream advised, I have taken back the value with which my maternal archetype was invested. I have more power. I am not looking outside myself for completion. I am less "girl crazy."

Just tonight, speaking with a woman at the close of the Biodynamic Conference at the Botanical Gardens, I understood, at a new level, the dynamic involved. The childhood wound is there and will not be healed. It is, shall we say, unnatural, and therefore unresponsive to natural means of healing. That is, real love cannot touch the emotional distortions that I as a young boy (baby) wove into the sense I tried to make of life, my psychological reality (neurosis).

But now, post dream, things have changed. I feel empowered. I have uncoupled my emotional life from that childhood wound. I'm not mixing up my dis-ease and normal life. The wound is still there, but I no longer expect a relationship with a woman, however fulfilling, to heal it. And, free of that unreasonable expectation, I am better able to admit into my life, to enjoy the reality of love... and women.

Everything just became a lot easier, more rewarding and fun.

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photo: Alessandro Bo (cropped)

Dr. David welcomes you to San Miguel Sunday. Anyone with any interest in contributing articles is heartily encouraged to contact him at the email below. The "Best City in the World" deserves a good Lokkal magazine.