by Jorge Luis Mendoza Palomares

The family is a tribe, a social group, an institution and, sometimes, a pretext for friendship or enmity. It is the primary cell where we are formed as human beings. It is also a system with functions, regulatory mechanisms and objectives. One of them is the survival of those who make up the family system and for everyone to stay together.

A system is a set of elements organized with a purpose, where each has a specific function and connects with the others to achieve a greater goal. If any of these connections fails, the entire system enters a new phase of regulation to continue functioning. A family operates in a similar way. Life comes to us through dad and mom, who, in turn, received their existence from our grandparents.

They transmit everything to us, from eye color to hair texture. We also inherit information related to tragic, painful, pleasant and satisfying experiences. This information is incorporated into our body, heart and mind.

Family Consciousness

In every family system there are stories, tales and characters that offer the new generations "lenses" through which to look at the members of the clan and outsiders. We call these lenses "conscience." This conscience consists of ideas, habits and beliefs that are assigned to each member of the family system, creating a sense of belonging. If you act according to this conscience, you will be within the parameters of the family's "good conscience." But what happens if you do not follow these beliefs? A reaction is generated by the system so that that member returns to the "good path."

Alma's Story

To illustrate this, I tell you the story of a woman named Alma. She decided to strive to finish a university degree and achieve economic autonomy. However, she grew up in a family where "good conscience" dictated that women should only study up to high school, because, according to family beliefs, women are only good for taking care of their husbands and having children. Alma lived and studied these limitations, observing the differences with her brothers, and the restrictions imposed by her parents on her desires to obtain a university degree.

With her actions, Alma gives voice to a natural impulse to grow and explore new horizons, even though this contradicts her family's "good conscience." She faces criticism and ridicule, and wonders why her family treats her like this, feeling excluded and alone. Her family tells her: "Why all this studying? If in the end you'll end up cooking and washing dishes." These words are a mechanism of the family system to make her "return" to the role that was assigned to her simply because she is a woman.

However, that does not stop Alma, who feels an inner force that drives her to achieve her goals. At the same time, she wants to find peace with her family, so she attends a Family Constellations workshop. There she discovers that, before her, only one great-aunt managed to study a technical career, but she did so by leaving her children with a sister. This generated the perception that she had been selfish and a bad mother for leaving her children in favor of her studies.

This discovery helps Alma understand why her family reacts this way to her desire to study. During the workshop, through exercises and dynamics, she recognizes the pain and courage that her aunt experienced, as well as the place that sadness and the feeling of abandonment occupy in her aunt's children.

A New Beginning, giving a place to those who deserve it

Today, Alma lives in a different region than her family of origin. She enjoys her work and feels successful in various areas of her life. She feels empathy for her family and was happy to learn a month ago that her youngest niece wants to be a teacher and that her parents have decided to support her. This support brings her joy and happiness.

Family systems are designed to grow and evolve, and we also grow and evolve within them. Always recognizing that we are all part of the family, regardless of our actions, ideologies or beliefs. If, when reading these lines, you feel empathy for Alma's story, it is likely that you are breaking patterns in your family and society.

I have good news for you: you are contributing not only to youself, but also to the new generations accessing what rightfully belongs to them; to fight for their dreams, to achieve economic stability, to find a good partner and to enjoy good physical and mental health. To identify what is the "good conscience" of our family system and how these ideas influence our thinking and actions in different areas of our life, there is a therapeutic tool called Family Constellations, created by the psychotherapist Bert Hellinger at the end of the last century.

Through Family Constellations, you will be able to discover what place you occupy in your family, what patterns you are repeating and how to free yourself from them through gratitude and adult love.

If you are interested in learning more about Family Constellations, it will be a pleasure for me to accompany you to discover the solution to your conflicts.

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Jorge Luis Mendoza Palomares is a son, husband, father at heart, lover of nature and music. Delighted to travel and good flavors, Clinical Psychologist (UAQ) and Family Constellator, Specialist in Orientation and Human Development, Master in Group Facilitation (UMQ), Music Therapist and Psychocorporal Therapist

• Psych. Jorge Luis Mendoza
• Tel. 4421097488
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